So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
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