Shit chicky whatchu wearin rt now, ur skins?
Oh dear, kinda... in ur sweats!
U look good, r we getting naked in ur car?
I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
