can we get nightvision for the apartment?
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Randomize
