No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Randomize
