think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
ATTENTION ALL CONTESTANTS OF SLUTFEST 2012 ; not only will we be judging on how many penis you have sucked but also girth and length will be calculated. If you are found lying you will be disqualified. Remember your fellow participants will be rendering the same services to probably the same people. So choose wisely and let the games begin!
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
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