watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
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