Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
I need a beard to bite.
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
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