I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
worse. her friends hid in the bathroom while she gave me head and then screamed surprise right as i was about to cum
then he tried to convert me to islam
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize