I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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