Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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