Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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