What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
