The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
Randomize
