the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
Randomize
