Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
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