Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
Randomize
