You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
Randomize
