Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
