Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
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