The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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