We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Randomize
