The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
Randomize
