I think I won the penis lottery.
Why does Jon Cryer have a career?
That is a good question.
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
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