So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
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