I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Randomize
