I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
Randomize
