Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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