If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
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