Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
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