I seem to have left my pride at pride
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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