he got wood on it!
i know. i had to sit in his lap on the plane. he also wore teva sandals.
...i was talking about hockey
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
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