last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
