I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
