I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Randomize
