Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Randomize
