upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
