You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
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