More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
you didnt know i had herpes?
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
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