I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
We need to rekindle our bromance
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
Also they do not have any come back to america, i miss my fuck buddy cards at Hallmark.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Randomize
