chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Please don't give away my fajitas
Randomize
