cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
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