Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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