i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
Randomize
