Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
You ruined the universe
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
Randomize
