I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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