Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
This is the high leading the old right now
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
Randomize
