i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
She swung at the pinata with crutches
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
Randomize
