If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
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