Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Randomize