Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
nutella sex= disaster
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Randomize
