I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
Bring me that man meat
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
