Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
Liz is crying about burritos again.
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
I love you. Go after that dick
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Randomize
