i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
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