Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
Randomize
