she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
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