I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
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