i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"
Let's paint friendship bongs
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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