New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize