Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
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