So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
Randomize
