Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Randomize
