I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
