you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
Thank you for not boning my boss.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
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