she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
